What would you do ?

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Tonytats
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What would you do ?

Post: # 32631Post Tonytats
June 9th, 2019, 11:39 pm

End of March my mum has a fall in the house mums 88.5 yrs old btw dads 85
Her hip n back hurts
Goes to Dr he puts her on co codamol n paracatemol
She retires to chair in living room sleeping lots
But getting into kitchen to have lunch n tea with dad n occasionally me
Salad n ham for lunch
Ready meals from marks n spencer
So no real effort involved
But then retires to chair sleeps a lot
She gets a wheelchair for going out in n a walking frame for the house appears to be a bit better
But not 100%
So I’m starting to think me mums a prescription junkie by now
She goes to drs a few times
Goes out once in wheelchair n hates it esp when seen by friends n says I’m not going out in that
I’m getting a bit worried as she’s looking quite unhappy n nowhere near her usual self
Talk to my sisters one lives 800 yards away n goes round once a fortnight
Other one lives 65 miles away at great dunmown pops up 3/4 x a year - mums favourite though !
I’m their 3-5 x a week

Tuesday night mum has savage chest n arm pain we assume heart attack
111rang ambulance comes
They take her to hospital pboro
Blood tests say no enzymes normally associated with heart attack are present
A ct scan n x Ray weds reveals a big aortic enuryism
A balloon that could burst any time and is leaking near her heart
We are told she will in all probability die within 48 hrs as it leaks / bursts
They have a bed at papworth the heart specialist hospital now newly opened and in addenbrookes grounds
Mum goes there on a blue light
They that’s a consultant n anaesthetist say no way can they operate she’s too old n weak - we all thought that
So she’s in bed as the previous night was up till 4 am getting checked in to Peterborough
Me n dad turn up at 9 pm sister from dunmow is there obv very upset aswe all are
Mums sitting up in bed no teeth in mouth open snoring her hair - she’s had the same hairstyle as the queen ! And taken great pride in it and her appearance - looks like a birds nesting in it
She’s got no blankets on only a short hospital gown on
Starts hallucinating/ trying to get out of bed swearing in Welsh losing al, her dignity n before she can flash her jack n Danny I leave the room - she would so hate all this btw - we’ve spoke about it many times !
Eventually they morphine her up
My sister - the one who visits once in a blue moon announces she’s staying the night
I suggest to My dad who’s also shattered that we go home n return next day so he can sleep
I’m half expecting her to die in the night based on what’s been said

I’ve deceided there’s no way I’m seeing my mum like that n think fk em let my sisters take the slack up
Which they do with dad
As it’s not my mum anymore just some loony old lady who looks slightly like my mum and I don’t want to remember my. Mum like this plus doing her toilet stuff is really not something I’m going to do !

So now the Vegas departure date is fast approaching,
on weds day time in Peterborough Mum was ok quite lucid with it all , speaking to drs etc
She lost it at papworth

I said we are cancelling Vegas
No you’re not she said and dad said you go we’ ll be ok
Expecting mum to die at any moment
The question is WHAT WOULD YOU DO .?

Am I a cauliflower for still going !
Am I a cauliflower for not wanting to see her in such a state !
Is she dead yet !
But no she’s still here today Sunday on blood pressure lowering meds n possible return to intensive care / high dependency bed at Peterborough

Do I wish I’d stayed ! No not really
But I’m not in the best of moods here either
Wwyd ??
Last edited by Tonytats on June 10th, 2019, 12:14 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Random1002
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Re: What would you do ?

Post: # 32633Post Random1002
June 9th, 2019, 11:50 pm

You may not like it but no brainer for me - stay and see her off if that's the way it going to go - bollox to anyone else....

silverfox46
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Re: What would you do ?

Post: # 32634Post silverfox46
June 10th, 2019, 12:25 am

as the op says ......what would you do? i would still go to Vagas, being blunt, if she croaks, she will still be croaked on your return, you will no doubt get flack for going but life is for the living.As you say you wish to remember her as she was, not as she is now, i can agree with that, sorry if my answer upsets you or anyone for that matter, but that's my opinion. Only certainty in life is one day it ends, no one has ever come back to tell you different.

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Random1002
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Re: What would you do ?

Post: # 32635Post Random1002
June 10th, 2019, 1:14 am

If it were me - I'd be rewriting my will if some fcker did not turn up for my departure

Scattysapain
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Re: What would you do ?

Post: # 32637Post Scattysapain
June 10th, 2019, 7:42 am

You can go to Vegas anytime and it's not as if it's the first time you've been. How would you feel if anything happened while you were away ?. I'm sorry to say this but you're sounding very selfish. As Random says she is your mum and you should cancel Tats.

Theadder4
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Re: What would you do ?

Post: # 32639Post Theadder4
June 10th, 2019, 9:31 am

So sorry to hear your mum is so unwell tony.
In my family if someone is that unwell its the woman in the family that looks after them daughters/sisters/nieces ect ,not saying this to be sexist,us men are just useless at things like this.
You know your mum better than anyone,ime sure if you had asked her before she was unwell,what you should do if these circumstances ever arose, she would tell you to get on and lead your life,and not to change your plans,as what is going to happen will happen anyway.
I have seen family members deteriorate before they died,and everytime i have wished i didnt go to see them in that state,and had just remembered them the way they had been.

T8MML
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Re: What would you do ?

Post: # 32640Post T8MML
June 10th, 2019, 10:42 am

Tough one Tony as I know how close you and your mum/dad are to you. I have to say I was surprised when I saw you had gone to Vegas but then I got to thinking about similarity with my mums passing. She had dementia and eventually a brain tumour. I wanted to just walk away towards the end because 1) she was living with my sister who I despise 2) it weren’t my mum anymore as she was.

Although still awake and talking she made no sense, had no idea who you were but would moan to other family members that I hadn’t been to see her in ages, even though I’d been there that morning. Eventually I told myself I couldn’t sit there and just watch her deteriorate further so I stopped going for awhile, but eventually went back towards the end by which time she was almost comatosed.

To this day I don’t know if I did right or wrong and think that we care too much about what other people think more than our own beliefs.

As for WWYD I think it’s a case of WW You do because everyone else is irrelevant because it is you who has to live with the final decIsion. You made it so why worry what others think?

Dicie
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Re: What would you do ?

Post: # 32642Post Dicie
June 10th, 2019, 3:41 pm

T8MML wrote:
June 10th, 2019, 10:42 am
Tough one Tony as I know how close you and your mum/dad are to you. I have to say I was surprised when I saw you had gone to Vegas but then I got to thinking about similarity with my mums passing. She had dementia and eventually a brain tumour. I wanted to just walk away towards the end because 1) she was living with my sister who I despise 2) it weren’t my mum anymore as she was.

Although still awake and talking she made no sense, had no idea who you were but would moan to other family members that I hadn’t been to see her in ages, even though I’d been there that morning. Eventually I told myself I couldn’t sit there and just watch her deteriorate further so I stopped going for awhile, but eventually went back towards the end by which time she was almost comatosed.

To this day I don’t know if I did right or wrong and think that we care too much about what other people think more than our own beliefs.

As for WWYD I think it’s a case of WW You do because everyone else is irrelevant because it is you who has to live with the final decIsion. You made it so why worry what others think?

Spot on old timer. Tony, whatever you decide it’s you that has to live with it, not us jokers on here. Go or not, remember, when they hit that age, they ain’t the same people they were when 50ish or even 60s.
As for the sisters, f uc k me lad, I’m sure you could, like us all, write a book about useless family members. Be strong in whatever you do, and ps

































Good luck in Vegas!!

Marky147
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Re: What would you do ?

Post: # 32643Post Marky147
June 10th, 2019, 3:53 pm

T8MML wrote:
June 10th, 2019, 10:42 am
We care too much about what other people think more than our own beliefs.

As for WWYD I think it’s a case of WW You do because everyone else is irrelevant because it is you who has to live with the final decIsion. You made it so why worry what others think?
All this.

silverfox46
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Re: What would you do ?

Post: # 32644Post silverfox46
June 10th, 2019, 4:52 pm

yup Timbo has worded it better than my post, spot on.

Paulscot1
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Re: What would you do ?

Post: # 32645Post Paulscot1
June 10th, 2019, 5:24 pm

Was following your posts on FaceBook thinking you would not be going with her being ill.

That is what travel insurance is for. Expected you to cancel and maybe go out in a couple of weeks when hopefully your mum has recovered.

Now you are there there is no point feeling guilty. Make the best of it and enjoy yourself.

bilthebandit
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Re: What would you do ?

Post: # 32647Post bilthebandit
June 10th, 2019, 5:48 pm

Each has their own way of dealing with things so if someone objects fuk em.

The ol guilt trip thing is pretty well par for the course,we all think we should have done this or that better or more often ect ect but its all bollox as a rule and if you didn't care you would not feel guilty and deffo not write here about it asking for opinions which don't matter only yours does.


Look at it another way ,you return home ya mam may feel guilty about spoiling your fun!!!!! try to enjoy yourself as best you can and hopefully shes still around to listen to your badbeat AA vs K4 soot aipf moans when ya get back.


GL to you and your parents.

T8MML
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Re: What would you do ?

Post: # 32648Post T8MML
June 10th, 2019, 6:00 pm

Just to lighten the mood a minute. Back in 2007 Skalie and I used to swap %ages or now and again I would back him as it’s well known he was up against it. I planned to go to Vegas for the WSOP but cried off because my mum was under the doc for tests and all pointed towards the big c.

The day I should have been going she got the all clear. I nearly went round and killed her :) especially when Skalie looking for backers in Vegas (of which had I been there I would have had a decent slice) for the ME cashed for 1.2 million and I never had a penny of it.

Dicie
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Re: What would you do ?

Post: # 32651Post Dicie
June 10th, 2019, 7:26 pm

T8MML wrote:
June 10th, 2019, 6:00 pm
Just to lighten the mood a minute. Back in 2007 Skalie and I used to swap %ages or now and again I would back him as it’s well known he was up against it. I planned to go to Vegas for the WSOP but cried off because my mum was under the doc for tests and all pointed towards the big c.

The day I should have been going she got the all clear. I nearly went round and killed her :) especially when Skalie looking for backers in Vegas (of which had I been there I would have had a decent slice) for the ME cashed for 1.2 million and I never had a penny of it.

Every time you think that’s the most unluckiest thing that’s happened you, just take a look at the missus! (Yours, not mine)

T8MML
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Re: What would you do ?

Post: # 32652Post T8MML
June 10th, 2019, 7:46 pm

Dicie wrote:
June 10th, 2019, 7:26 pm
T8MML wrote:
June 10th, 2019, 6:00 pm
Just to lighten the mood a minute. Back in 2007 Skalie and I used to swap %ages or now and again I would back him as it’s well known he was up against it. I planned to go to Vegas for the WSOP but cried off because my mum was under the doc for tests and all pointed towards the big c.

The day I should have been going she got the all clear. I nearly went round and killed her :) especially when Skalie looking for backers in Vegas (of which had I been there I would have had a decent slice) for the ME cashed for 1.2 million and I never had a penny of it.

Every time you think that’s the most unluckiest thing that’s happened you, just take a look at the missus! (Yours, not mine)
I look at her and think “things could be worse







Fuck knows how”

Dicie
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Re: What would you do ?

Post: # 32653Post Dicie
June 10th, 2019, 7:51 pm

T8MML wrote:
June 10th, 2019, 7:46 pm
Dicie wrote:
June 10th, 2019, 7:26 pm
T8MML wrote:
June 10th, 2019, 6:00 pm
Just to lighten the mood a minute. Back in 2007 Skalie and I used to swap %ages or now and again I would back him as it’s well known he was up against it. I planned to go to Vegas for the WSOP but cried off because my mum was under the doc for tests and all pointed towards the big c.

The day I should have been going she got the all clear. I nearly went round and killed her :) especially when Skalie looking for backers in Vegas (of which had I been there I would have had a decent slice) for the ME cashed for 1.2 million and I never had a penny of it.

Every time you think that’s the most unluckiest thing that’s happened you, just take a look at the missus! (Yours, not mine)
I look at her and think “things could be worse







Fuck knows how”

In her defence ...........

















Hmmmmmmmm........








I’m struggling here, I think I should kick this into touch

Tonytats
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Re: What would you do ?

Post: # 32661Post Tonytats
June 11th, 2019, 2:03 pm

Mums condition is terminal
There is no meds for her
Only opening her up behind her heart and attempting to repair this “ balloon”
If it were on a straight piece of artery they may have tried ? But her age is against her
But it’s near her heart where other arteries join so it’s like a manifold on a car where it joins the engine very very complicated a difficult op on a healthy person
As it leaks there’s less blood to her brain and other body parts
So a stroke is highly likely
There is no “ getting better “
We was told 48 hours it’s been a week today

Like I said I’m not going to see her naked n thrashing about pissing n shitting herself
If my sisters want to then crack on
If. They wernt there I’m pretty sure the nhs would chemically cosh her to calm things down as they don’t have. X amount of staff to deal with her

She was just saying the other day “ if I’m ill I want to go quickly “
This has been horrible

Tonytats
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Re: What would you do ?

Post: # 32662Post Tonytats
June 11th, 2019, 2:11 pm

Having been n seen my Nan plus a couple of others in their coffin or just before they die
I’m swerving all that now and remembering people how they were
Even to the point of not going to funerals
Preferring not to think of folk as dead just absent !
Plus I loathe churches n all they stand for
No doubt mums funeral will involv brookside Methodist church and all the old biddies who knew me when I was a local juvenile crime wave and got zero o levels and proceeded to give my mum constant rubdowns about how well their son was doing - bunch of old backstabbing bitches

silverfox46
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Re: What would you do ?

Post: # 32665Post silverfox46
June 11th, 2019, 4:38 pm

I hold very similar views to you Tony, no time for churches, hypocritical cauliflowers by and large, milking the feeble gullible minded. As you say, i also prefer to remember a person as they were, not at their worst, it's only convention that dictates people's reactions by and large, and we are all different and deal with adversity our own way. Crack on m8 life is for living.

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Random1002
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Re: What would you do ?

Post: # 32670Post Random1002
June 11th, 2019, 11:38 pm

Apologies, my replies may come across as a bit brash, but I stand by the basic sentiment, in terms of a "WWYD".
On the other hand, I can understand why you've taken the action you have, but it would not be my way.

As you get older with more experience of life you can look back at significant events in your life, and at the time you make decisions, afterwards there is no point in questioning those decisions, you make the best choice at the time - so no regrets.

Practically at the end of the day there is very little you can do, so you do what YOU think is best, hence I respect your choices.

Be strong, it sounds like you've done your best, no one can ask any more.

GL chap.

Tonytats
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Re: What would you do ?

Post: # 32672Post Tonytats
June 12th, 2019, 12:36 am

No offence taken mate at all
Mum updates - they’ve got her on oral blood pressure calming meds as soon as they removed her Canulars n probes / monitors attached to her chest she calmed down
She’s been very random - no pun intended !- and if she remains calm can go to a less high dependency ward at Peterborough as papworth need the bed for people requiring ops
She tried bribing a dr to get her home lol
Dad couldn’t handle her on his own
So it’s hospital or palliative care at our local sue Ryder - Thorpe hall as it’s called but it’s full !
4 weeks max is what the drs have given her
Hopefully she will still be there when we go back
Some may say we should go back now !
Where’s tats she asked
In Vegas says my sister
Oh good he’s had that booked for ages she said bless her
Personally I don’t think she realises how grave it is ,slowly as dad does there’s a few more tearful moments appearing .

Scuffs
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Re: What would you do ?

Post: # 32680Post Scuffs
June 12th, 2019, 10:24 am

Sorry to hear about your Mum Tony, I hope she doesn't suffer, she's obviously being well cared for.

My brother and I have never been that close and I always felt he could of done more for my father especially after my mother passed. When my father was terminally diagnosed he was given 3 months and my brother, like your sisters, stepped upto the plate. He visited on his own, with the grandchildren, went shopping for him etc etc basically doing what i'd been doing over the years. The night before his passing I had a long chat with my brother as I was due to go to Tallin. He insisted I go, i phoned just before take off and all was as well as could be. He passed while i was in the air which was amazing as his father passed while my mum and dad were flying back from holiday. I phoned as soon as i landed and was given the bad news, again i discussed with my brother the option of getting the flight straight back but he said there was nothing i could do and he can cover everything until i get back, which he did. We are now closer than ever, so much so we are all going to Cornwall this weekend for fathers day.

There's nothing you can do for your mum that your sisters and the doctors cant do. You are obviously very close to her and her to you, she was the one that told you to go to Vegas, enjoy it the best you can mate.

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